Today is World Suicide Prevention Day (WSPD).
On this island, suicide is a major cause of death of men, mainly young men.
In that sense, it is like a war.
My own son has lost two very close friends to suicide in recent years.
We spoke about this last night when I told him that I would be writing about the subject today.
One of those two lads was a close neighbour, and he had been reared alongside my brood.
I saw at first hand the devastation in my trio when they got the news that their friend had taken his own life.
He was a lovely child and grew up to be a fine fella, highly intelligent and kind-hearted.
His death by his own hand devastated so many people.
Suicide is a very permanent “solution” to what is almost always a very transitory problem.
A decade ago, I tried to do my bit by taking part in an information campaign here in Ireland.
Men are bad at reaching out.
The first steps in seeking help are crucial, and if they are not taken then the results of remaining closed up can often be deadly.
Often the most crucial person is the one that is first contacted for help.
For the avoidance of doubt, you do not have to be a mental health professional to be of life-saving importance.
Over the last few weeks, I have been keeping a buddy of mine in the game.
I’ve known him for over 35 years.
Usually, we speak on the phone perhaps twice a year, and they’re marathon catchup sessions.
He doesn’t do social media, so when we talk, there is much to chat about.
When he answered the phone recently, I immediately knew that something was up.
Nature has given us instincts, and we are foolish to ignore them.
I’m honoured that he reached out to me and I’ve become part of an ad hoc team keeping him in the game.
The fact that I’ve worked in mental health provision in a professional capacity with a Post Grad in psychotherapy isn’t the key thing.
I’m his friend, he trusts me to be there for him, and that is what is vital.
As well as your humble correspondent, there is an eclectic ensemble of helpers.
It comprises of his GP, a counsellor appointed by his employer, a good friend who he goes walking with him every day and his absolute rock of wife.
My pal’s sister asked her brother to get people to write down five things we liked about him.
Here is my list:
Honest
Decent
Loyal
Punctilious
Steadfast
Interestingly, the half dozen or so folk who he asked tended to come up with many of the same qualities.
He admitted to me that he didn’t believe any of us!
However, I pressed him the point.
I pointed out to him that the folk who had sent in their five things were all very different folk.
Were we all wrong?
He relented.
The critical issue is that he didn’t WANT to believe anything positive about himself.
That is a common psychological component of any depressive episode.
However, it does pass, and it will do so for my friend.
I’m not as worried about him as I was a few weeks ago.
He is now speaking openly to me about the private hell that he was enduring.
Since we started talking regularly, he took my advice and became an energetic biped again.
He now walks for an hour or so every day, and he reports that he finds it helpful.
There is scientific literature to support that finding.
I know my own warning signs, and it is a lack of energy that can become a downward spiral.
Helping him through this depressive episode is an all of the above approach.
I’ve also been checking in with his wife from time to time -she’s in the front line of this, and she has to be ok before she can help anyone.
If you’re concerned about anyone in your life, then nature gave you that instinct so follow it.
Speak to them plainly.
If you don’t think you have to tools at your disposal, then training is available.
The Google thingy tells me that most of my readers are in Scotland, so here is an appropriate link.
If you’re struggling yourself, please reach out the help IS there.
I will call my buddy tonight and check in with him.
He knows that he isn’t alone, and that counts for something.
I just checked in with him, and he’s not having the best of days.
So, we’ve got a date to chat tonight.
He knows that he isn’t alone.
If you don’t need to be called like that, then you almost certainly will one day need to do the calling.
This is a job for all of us and not just for the day that’s in it.
Ar scáth a chéile a mhaireann na daoine.
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Article of of the week Phil. Thought provoking and necessary.
Well said Phil , every person has their breaking point and those who have never found theirs are fortunate. Sometimes the smallest act of kindness can restore ones faith in humanity , a little act of kindness can go a long way.
Indeed.
Hi Phil , our family friend took his life last Thursday aged 19 , no indication of any problems , family absolutely devastated , nothing can help their lose but his Father has set up a go fund me for Men Matter Scotland If anybody wishes to gift.
https://gf.me/u/yyas4c
RD Laing had a woman come to him with depression and as they talked they ended up laughing and joking. After 30 mins pf leaving she returned and wanted her money back as he hadn’t “treated” her per se. What I took from that, was she had that happiness within her already and he had only brought it out of her, something she would have to do for herself. Others may have a different interpretation.
Great piece. Shouldn’t every day be suicide prevention day though. If we opened up more as ‘men’ maybe we could help each other more
God. Everyone is an expert nowadays but trust me it’s not that simple……..it’s great to think you know the struggle and are helping but nothing worse than someone thinking they’ve sorted another out. Good to talk yes- but good to talk about how great you are in helping? no -Only a sufferer knows the difference trust me.
I agree empathy and sympathy are two different things.
It is down to the sufferer what works best for them not the listener.
I felt a bit uncomfortable reading this if I am honest.
Mibees that’s just me though 🤷🏻♂️
Last night, as per our arrangement, I phoned my buddy.
I read this piece screen to him.
He was appreciative and hoped that my writing might help another person who might be enduring what he is going through at the moment.
This is a job for all of us.
As long as he is okay with you using his situation then that makes reading it a bit easier.
It’s a very delicate subject as you are evidently aware so who am I to question any of it.
I shall say a wee prayer tonight for your friend Phil.
🙏🏼
He was more than “okay” about it.
Indeed, he felt, probably for the first time in months, that he was of some worth, some utility.
Of course, he has huge worth just by being himself and that is what I and others are trying to get through to him.
However, he cannot see his self worth at the moment.
Therefore, being referenced in a blog that is read by many thousand was a fillip to him and he said so.
Sounds like he may have turned a corner.
Great news.
I hope he continues to do so.
🙏🏼
Excellent piece Phil. Thanks for shining a light on perhaps one of the most important challenges we face in public health- too often avoided or ignored completely. One of the great philosophers wrote ” most men lead lives of quiet desperation” How fitting and absolutely true for the millions of people who walk that lonely journey every day. But you are right to stress that help is out there- and can make the difference literally between life and death. Tony Barrett
Yo, I too, suffer from these horrible thoughts and , did attempt suicide but , sitting at the canal bank in my car thinking , thoughts of my two adorable children came into view and, in a split second I reversed my car away from impending doom and, with the help of professionals and good friends I am doing good . Being active is a big plus and, I now volunteer in a food bank , helping others , yes my friends their is hope and, help out there , grasp it with both hands and be the person that you are 👍
Very true all of the proceeding,no one is exempt or gets a free pass from the possibility of mental health issues,myself included.I had the sense to go and speak with to my GP who was excellent in both his manner and advice.Never thought it could happen to me but life throws some curve balls and can sometimes floor you when least expected.
Your a true friend to do as you have and I’ve done similar too,though now thankfully all good.We should all be there for our friends in both good and even more,so in times of strife.
Natural instincts have got the human race thus far and we really should heed them,even when they’re outlandish or just plain weird.Like you say they’re there for a reason.
With everything that’s going atm I’m thinking that the needs for this type of help will have risen sharply
Thanks Phil nice piece🇮🇪
This is an extremely important issue. Men need to support each other and forget the machismo BS. In the USA 70% of suicides are white males. Why that is is open for debate. The fastest growing demographic is middle aged men who have little social support. Self-reliance is good but limited.
Great message Phil in today’s climate there are so many people in the same mode as your friend and they all need that little but powerful support with just chatting to them I’ve been helping my pal with just talking and when possible walking you can see the change.