The Germans have a word for it.

04/09/2001 16:57


It is that lovely warm glow you get from someone else’s misfortune. It ain’t everyone who has the pelotas to admit to it-but I’m big into the oul Schadenfreude-so I am.

Over the years Germany has produced much that warm afterglow for me-when they were playing England at soccer.

That afterglow got decidedly icy on Saturday night.

I found out that there is something that I hate more than English soccer fans.

Happy English soccer fans.

I like German reliability-I’m on my fourth Volkswagen-they’re just so predictable & reliable.

On Saturday night I thought, “ if only the German defence was a reliable as my Volkswagen….”

Like most disasters the day started so well.

After our valiant win against the Dutch I sat down for the second part of an enjoyable day as a soccer sofa spud.

Watching England getting beat (always nice) watching them get beaten by Germany (always delicious).

Like most disasters it started well enough.

The brawny psychopath who plays up front for the fatherland (Big & Disordered-is how I like my centre forwards-exhibit “A” one Chris Sutton-lovely lad) knocked in an easy goal in six minutes after some pub team defending by Ingerlund.

They then had a great chance to go two nil up, but yer man Deisler may have felt sorry his fellow Saxons.

The Germans –although a shadow of past great sides-were passing through the great big holes in the English midfield & back four.

Then it all went horribly, horribly wrong by the time that disgusted, shocked German were streaming out of the Olympic stadium I had already switched off and was doing what I was always do when I suffer a soccer defeats.

Look at the bigger picture, count my blessings, say “it’s only a game” then make serious preparations to take my own life…

I harbour an awful feeling that this English team now equipped with a first class coach could actually achieve something in the next world cup.

They have been insufferable since 1966-when they were gifted the World Cup, which they did not merit.

If they actually genuinely win something on merit can you imagine what they will be like?

Can you?

I don’t want even to go there.

We are often the authors of our own misfortune.

We have put out the Dutch-a team perfectly capable of giving Ingerlund the fat canoeist treatment.

Germany are a broken team and are unlikely to bounce back from this for a while.

The question now for the Irish nation is: Who is left to beat these bastards?

You see I have got it in perspective?

The last I heard Brazil are struggling to qualify.

These truly are amazing times, Brazil battling & scraping to qualify and England thrashing Germany.

The big boys of World football in the last 40 years have been teams that have won the world cup twice.

That is Brazil (4: 1958,1962,1970,1994), Germany (2:1974,1990) & Argentina (2:1978,1986).

Two of those teams are currently weakened in a way that they haven’t been in living memory.

Argentina are over-reliant on the ageing, but wonderful, Batistuta.

This is not looking good lads.

However there is hope.

The current French side would whoop England’s ass.

The Ingerlund midfield could not cope with Zidane let alone his team-mates.

The Portuguese-who will win our group-proved in Euro 2000 that Senor Figo et all have the beating of England.

Portugal, with their beautiful short passing game, are so redolent of Brazil at their best.

The Japanese people don’t really deserve to have English fans infesting them next summer.

After all they have been Atom bombed twice.

That should-in the great scheme of things- excuse you from ever having to put up with “supporters” from Ingerlund.

However, I trust that the authorities in Japan will have the appropriate security measures in place to deal with the Saxon hordes.

I am a firm believer in alternatives to custody and think that a form of worthwhile community service should be looked at for the English in Japan.

Major sporting events often bring many unforeseen infrastructural benefits that wouldn’t have happened otherwise.

So if the English do go to Japan in any numbers Burma will no doubt get a nice new railway out of it!

I am also hoping that Mother Nature will play a part in defeating Ingerlund in the land of the Rising Sun.

The heat may well contrive to drain them of their strength the same way that our lads struggled against the Mexicans in the USA in 94.

Either that or the world is totally obliterated by a huge meteor just before the final.

That would, of course, be preferable to them winning the World Cup.

I have decreed that they just don’t deserve to be happy.